occasionally, i wonder if there's a way to block my thoughts. 5 minutes would suffice, just 5 minutes to click the off switch and turn the hands on one of those little "we'll be back in" clocks to 5 minutes from now. then i wonder if i'd freak out from the lack of brain power and fail to enjoy the break. most likely. only person to have an anxiety attack whilst in a coma? that's me. so, rather than a self-induced coma for experimental purposes, i've decided to let my mind get it all out til relaxation sets in. most effective way to throw up consuming thoughts?
stream of consciousness
(cue ocean tranquility cd)
directions:
1. stare at blue letters to illicit calming effect
2. vomit thoughts
commence vomiting whilst channeling mr. miyagi and chanting "vomit thoughts, brain unstuck" to the wax on, wax off rhythm...
"happily ever after" was never part of my vocabulary. i never obsessed about a wedding. forever was a frightening concept. occasionally a daydream about children. a family. security. and a man who would love me unconditionally and completely would sneak it's way past my consciousness. to this day i'm still not sure what triggered a daydream like that, especially one i undoubtedly kept locked down deep. now, i know that dream was an image of my perfect life - my happily ever after. then, it was a fiercely guarded fantasy buried deeper than the fear and vulnerability reached, never spoken aloud or written down, and only indulged in sparingly. this way i could use the fantasy as an escape from reality while also maintaining a level of detachment safe enough to avoid additional disappointment and embarrassment as the story would never actually happen. only i knew i was terrified to admit this secret future would most likely never happen. only i experienced the pain and sorrow from that denial and loss.
self-fulfilling prophecy?
you betcha! i constructed every aspect of the world i believed i deserved to live in. for many reasons, i believed the pain and sadness were feelings i deserved to endure so sadness and misery were satisfying while happiness and success brought guilt and shame. this false reality gave me a way to cope with stress and pain i had no idea how to process. my hair, ballet, school, friends, family, drugs, relationships, drinking, anxiety over possible failure, actual failure, virtually anything that happened. i controlled every aspect, modifying aspects like my future fantasy to fit the misery i thought i deserved. it was a final, reluctant acceptance of the harsh and perceived reality i had created that can explain why i stopped imagining and never allowed myself to believe in fantasies again. only now do i recognize the feelings of failure, inadequacy, and inability that fed my illogical reality and helped discredit my dreams. they have emerged in every aspect of my being to wreak havoc on my entire existence. by my early 20's, their influence had begun to shape my entire way of thinking. my self-esteem, self-confidence, sense of self, and self-efficacy were mutilated by the constructs of my fake world and i quickly lost what little confidence i had left.
a few years, one catastrophic relationship, and a shattered heart later and i had turned into a heavily jaded and bitter cynic at the ripe 'ol age of 22. most people and things irritated me, i was easily enraged, quick to judge anyone and anything, impatient when i wasn't controlling the situation, and pretty much just unpleasant to be around. i hated people who were happy, i hated anyone who tried to care, i hated my dead end job, and most of all i hated myself. relationships, love, and men topped my list of things i hated and no one got past my distaste for each one. i began to systematically avoid anything involving marriage, love, or soul mates, and i'd terminate friendships with anyone who chose to bring up weddings, happy couples, or friend's new babies in conversation, as well as anyone who chose to challenge me or my opinions. complete extinction lessened the pain, made acceptance easier, and eliminated anyone or anything threatening my reality.
i knew only one thing for sure: i was not the girl who would get the fairy tale.
happiness and love were reserved for the girls who deserved that life.
i failed to meet the criteria.
in less than a breathless moment the belief was absolute, my faux reality, built to adapt to my whims, expertly modified a belief to suit my shortcomings as soon as i started to feel discomfort. the effectiveness of my artificial coping mechanisms meant i could manipulate a situation whenever i couldn't deal with difficult emotions, feelings, or situations. my constructed reality coped for me and i failed to develop any sort of healthy or effective emotional management skills to deal with any aspect of my life i could not control. My answer to this discrepancy was to avoid those situations whenever possible. work was easily controlled, specific college classes where i could either guarantee success or blend in enough to float by, friends or guys too self-involved to move past a surface relationship, anyone doing, buying, or selling my drugs of choice, and clubs/bars with free drinks and drunk guys who offered inebriated attention all made the approved list. anyone else, especially insightful, caring, or observant friends or family, environments not conducive to drugs and alcohol, and uncontrollable situations with the possibility of emotional or mental discomfort became situations i would avoid at all costs.
amidst the blurry haze of my attempts to rationalize the unexpected arrival of a man who clearly wanted to enjoy my presence, the world i had built so perfectly, my safe and controlled world, was suddenly being challenged. i was less than accommodating and banished him to the "avoid at all costs" list. he refused to give up, this boy who annoyed his coworkers (my friends) with questions about me, persistently called and messaged me, physically came to my house when i refused to respond, and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the hot mess of a person i was, unknowingly, he discredited everything i had created and come to rely on in less than 48 hours after we met. just like that, my world was in complete chaos.
eight years later and it seems that the presence of chaos once in awhile keeps me from forgetting the value of these chances i was given in spite of my failures. it has become a comfort of sorts and i can truthfully say i enjoy the organized madness of it all. i've discovered that the lost me, the real me, relishes disorganization, chaos, and the unknown. pretty appropriate for the girl who created her own world when situations were impossible to deal with, managed to cross paths with the love of her life during the worst of it all, and amazingly ended up with the story she first started dreaming about all those years ago.
looking back, i wonder if that imagined fairy tale was from my own head or the life i had been trained to believe i wanted to live. at the time, though, my awareness of that would have neither helped ease my struggle to let go, nor allowed even the craziest realms of my imagination to convince me i was prepared me for the events to come. my determination to do things the most difficult way possible could have overthrown cities and conquered foreign lands. abandoning the entire belief system i had so carefully constructed was like voluntarily amputating my own two feet. but it had failed me in the worst way possible, a man had gotten through. the security breach was even more painful than the destruction of my safe little world of lies. i had no choice but to choose which way to fall.
