"but i fear i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than
to fall"
constant thoughts smashing around in my head like it's a
white, padded room stuffed with self-medicated schizophrenics strapped into
straight jackets is pretty run of the mill in my world. on any given day i find
myself wondering what might emerge if someone had the sudden, overwhelming urge
to saw open my skull. i wouldn't be surprised if a bunch of tiny flying devils
swarmed out hissing and trying to bite onlookers. that image never ceases to
amuse me.
during the anger, pain, and hopelessness of the last few
years
my crowded mind has become progressively dark and dismal.
unfortunately, this is a part of my world i don't often talk about despite my
awareness of the
dangers in making that choice. the prospect of releasing
such a shocking
amount of raw pain,
confusion, and defeat from the hiding place where i locked it up years ago
scares the living shit out of me. i have no doubt it
would cripple me, and very possibly those close to me.
these unresolved emotions I've so expertly buried have begun
to affect my entire state of being. i have two choices: put my big girl panties
on and deal with it, or remain a coward and suffer the consequences. i've never
experienced anything i didn't have to capacity to process and work through.
now, i'm faced with issues that clearly elude my capabilities and surpass my
level of comprehension and suddenly i've become this useless and unsure pile of
waste. the only thing i know for sure is that i cannot fix this myself, yet
never in my life has it been so damn hard to simply ask for help.
admitting that the things i've been through in the past
three years shook me
to my core and shattered me just inches from my breaking
point was hard.
admitting that i no longer possess the tools necessary
to repair that damage by myself was mortifying.
the thought of admitting to another person i had lost the
control i so desperately clung to, and now barely hold the broken pieces of my
life together through the course of one day, will be so painful it's even
difficult to write.
