enigmatic lucidity

Adapting to my surroundings and handling the unknown have always been two of my strengths, survival skills uncovered and honed because of necessity. Believing in myself, however, is still an elusive quality that consistently threatens to shatter my entire world. So, when asked to write this personal reflection, my first fleeting thought was that I had quite a lot to reflect on and even more to criticize. Constructing a list of positive qualities I've demonstrated thus far falls under ‘impossibility’ on the list of painfully inept characteristics or skills I often use to punish myself.  Unfortunately, the last thirty years have allowed time for that list to grow larger than I'd like to admit. 
Evaluating specific examples of positive growth during this internship, especially those in which I had demonstrated sufficient skill, led me straight to a reluctant, slightly mortifying realization. Making the choice to continue pretending my mental list of harsh criticisms I held myself accountable for had no affect on my present state of being was finally becoming the impossibility. How could I preach in a reflection about honest introspection and self-examination when my own process of self-growth had become stagnant as a result of my unwillingness to be truly honest about weaknesses I'd rather not admit to having? The answer is, I couldn't. A truthful description of my abilities and strengths followed by a genuine evaluation of my growth and newly acquired knowledge would be nothing but a lie if I couldn’t admit that I was no longer capable of effectively coping with the unrealistic expectations of that list.

Finding characteristics I possessed in the present to begin that process was not only the first step towards overcoming the obstacle, but a giant leap in the right direction as far my education was concerned. Emerging from this internship with the skills I am going to need to be the school counselor I want to be begins with a little bit of faith in my abilities, a whole lot of soul baring honesty, and the courage to show everyone, including myself, that I have to ability to excel. 

the weakness of strength

"but i fear i have nothing to give

i have so much to lose here in this lonely place

tangled up in our embrace

there's nothing i'd like better than

to fall"

constant thoughts smashing around in my head like it's a white, padded room stuffed with self-medicated schizophrenics strapped into straight jackets is pretty run of the mill in my world. on any given day i find myself wondering what might emerge if someone had the sudden, overwhelming urge to saw open my skull. i wouldn't be surprised if a bunch of tiny flying devils swarmed out hissing and trying to bite onlookers. that image never ceases to amuse me.

during the anger, pain, and hopelessness of the last few years

my crowded mind has become progressively dark and dismal. unfortunately, this is a part of my world i don't often talk about despite my awareness of the

dangers in making that choice. the prospect of releasing such a shocking

amount of  raw pain, confusion, and defeat from the hiding place where i locked it up years ago scares the living shit out of me. i have no doubt it

would cripple me, and very possibly those close to me.

these unresolved emotions I've so expertly buried have begun to affect my entire state of being. i have two choices: put my big girl panties on and deal with it, or remain a coward and suffer the consequences. i've never experienced anything i didn't have to capacity to process and work through. now, i'm faced with issues that clearly elude my capabilities and surpass my level of comprehension and suddenly i've become this useless and unsure pile of waste. the only thing i know for sure is that i cannot fix this myself, yet never in my life has it been so damn hard to simply ask for help.

admitting that the things i've been through in the past three years shook me

to my core and shattered me just inches from my breaking point was hard.

admitting that i no longer possess the tools necessary

to repair that damage by myself was mortifying.

the thought of admitting to another person i had lost the control i so desperately clung to, and now barely hold the broken pieces of my life together through the course of one day, will be so painful it's even difficult to write.

worthless

 I am going to hell. For what? Choose from the constantly growing list of bad choices, ill-advised decisions, or one of the many shortcomings that make up my less than stellar character.
Am I even capable of normal human functioning? If goldfish is the definition of normal then, yes, I am most definitely functioning right around the level of a pet store goldfish smashed into a half-empty terrarium plastered with clearance: 50-70% off signs and buy 1, get 2 free sales
Shock. My utter shock and dismay is just about overwhelming.
I don't need a diagnosis from one of those online IQ tests to comprehend the level of my stupidity and uselessness.
Interestingly enough, it's pretty obvious.
Sobering experience doesn't begin to explain the sudden realization that I really am as stupid as I secretly suspected I was.
I've now adopted the possibility that my level of moronic stupidity is actually beyond any aspect of my comprehension as my new point of denial.
Denial is the ignorant moron's infinite bliss.
Infinite bliss sounds like a pretty little present just waiting to be frantically unwrapped so it can thoroughly disappoint its recipient.
That's right up my crumbling, decrepit little alley.

duct tape, diplomas, and a tiny bit of faith

a friend told me yesterday that she had nothing left to lose.

what a striking statement. almost reaches out and jabs you in the stomach with one finger.

and then the realization hit like a thousand fingers jabbing me in the stomach. it dawned on me that i have been waiting to fail for two and a half years. i can't bring myself to wonder what might happen should i make it to may. never mind if i actually receive the scroll that will proudly inform me of my new advanced degree status.

a big part of me really doesn't believe i will actually  make it to graduation. hell, it's some sort of miracle that i've gotten this far, it never occurred to me that i should stop to think about making it all the way to the end.

i have this weird separation of self where half of me wants to fight like all hell to get that degree and half of me wants to just give up before i go any further and spare myself the pain and humiliation of failure.

i entered the program already damaged. my shattered confidence almost betrayed the expertly built facade of intelligence and ability i perfected too many years ago. pieces of my broken life struggled to keep up behind me.

now, i can see light at the end of a seemingly unending tunnel and it all seems insignificant until i remember the neon green duct tape that now holds together the pieces of my former life.

a life I so obviously don't deserve

...especially shocking to my stubborn cynicism is the constant realization that i have already met the person 
i never knew i so badly needed. 

he is the man with a personality as strong as, and more volatile than, my own. 

the man who matches my humor with his own sarcasm and wit. 

the man who possesses the power to overcome my strongest defenses. 

he is my soul mate - my once in a lifetime. 

he is the fairy tale i never allowed myself to believe could be true. 

he is half of the relationship i am scared to admit i have faith in, 

the man who helped me accept the presence of possibilities i finally let myself believe in. 

he is the man who can repeatedly leave me completely and utterly

breathless.