a friend told me yesterday that she had nothing left to lose.
what a striking statement. almost reaches out and jabs you in the stomach with one finger.
and then the realization hit like a thousand fingers jabbing me in the stomach. it dawned on me that i have been waiting to fail for two and a half years. i can't bring myself to wonder what might happen should i make it to may. never mind if i actually receive the scroll that will proudly inform me of my new advanced degree status.
a big part of me really doesn't believe i will actually make it to graduation. hell, it's some sort of miracle that i've gotten this far, it never occurred to me that i should stop to think about making it all the way to the end.
i have this weird separation of self where half of me wants to fight like all hell to get that degree and half of me wants to just give up before i go any further and spare myself the pain and humiliation of failure.
i entered the program already damaged. my shattered confidence almost betrayed the expertly built facade of intelligence and ability i perfected too many years ago. pieces of my broken life struggled to keep up behind me.
now, i can see light at the end of a seemingly unending tunnel and it all seems insignificant until i remember the neon green duct tape that now holds together the pieces of my former life.
