enigmatic lucidity

Adapting to my surroundings and handling the unknown have always been two of my strengths, survival skills uncovered and honed because of necessity. Believing in myself, however, is still an elusive quality that consistently threatens to shatter my entire world. So, when asked to write this personal reflection, my first fleeting thought was that I had quite a lot to reflect on and even more to criticize. Constructing a list of positive qualities I've demonstrated thus far falls under ‘impossibility’ on the list of painfully inept characteristics or skills I often use to punish myself.  Unfortunately, the last thirty years have allowed time for that list to grow larger than I'd like to admit. 
Evaluating specific examples of positive growth during this internship, especially those in which I had demonstrated sufficient skill, led me straight to a reluctant, slightly mortifying realization. Making the choice to continue pretending my mental list of harsh criticisms I held myself accountable for had no affect on my present state of being was finally becoming the impossibility. How could I preach in a reflection about honest introspection and self-examination when my own process of self-growth had become stagnant as a result of my unwillingness to be truly honest about weaknesses I'd rather not admit to having? The answer is, I couldn't. A truthful description of my abilities and strengths followed by a genuine evaluation of my growth and newly acquired knowledge would be nothing but a lie if I couldn’t admit that I was no longer capable of effectively coping with the unrealistic expectations of that list.

Finding characteristics I possessed in the present to begin that process was not only the first step towards overcoming the obstacle, but a giant leap in the right direction as far my education was concerned. Emerging from this internship with the skills I am going to need to be the school counselor I want to be begins with a little bit of faith in my abilities, a whole lot of soul baring honesty, and the courage to show everyone, including myself, that I have to ability to excel.